I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She said her name was "party"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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