Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
