Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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