I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
