The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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