I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Drunk is a universal language darling
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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