my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
