mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
