foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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