It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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