You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
