can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
