last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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