I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
