my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
