Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
