i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
