Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
