Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
