Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
