All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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