i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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