Cold hands, warm shart.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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