So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
