Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was born a porn star she said
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
