It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
