This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
