I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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