I have demons in me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
