i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize