when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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