listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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