Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
