I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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