So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
