That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
