fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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