I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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