Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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