I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
