Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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