My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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