i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
