Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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