good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
