we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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