WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
