My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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