I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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