I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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