Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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