then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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