There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
