Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
