ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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