Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
