I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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